Tropical Buzz

The air burns, insect cries nearly drowned out by the tropical buzz of summer itself. It fills Riku's head, endless noise seeping in through his ears and droning on and on. He can't stop it, although he can dilute it, the fingers digging into his shoulders grounding him—a blanket against the scalding song of summer. 

He's still getting used to the feeling of someone beside him, this foreign closeness. It wasn't so strange when he was young, but the older he got the more he withdrew, so determined to go beyond the need for support, for company. How ridiculous, when everything he tried to be required others to be there; role model, leader, protector, seeker of strength and new worlds.

How did I fail so badly?  Why did pretending to be strong make me weaker? How many people suffered because of me?

Too many names come to mind. He wonders if there's more—how many names he never knew or can't remember. Summer's buzz grows louder.

What do I have to show for that dream, in the end?

A hole, perhaps. Things have been strange since returning to the Islands. There'd been a moment of relief, then words were said, confessions made, and the tide flowed back out. Riku had walked away before he could hear anything else, left his friends to share what needed to be shared while his cheeks burned and his heart sunk.

Riku spends his days on the beach watching them from afar; brown and red hair shining in the sunset, rose-stained silhouettes walking through the waves. Sometimes they play. Sometimes they talk. Sometimes they kiss. He avoids them and they leave him be. They have ever since he walked away, ever since they called his name and he didn't stop.

I know it's not fair, but I can't do this. Not yet. I want them to be happy, but I was never ready for them to be happy without me. 

They're probably together now, holding each other. Do they think of him, he wonders?

Probably not.

But Riku needed closeness, something to fill the hole in him. It didn't have to be love, didn't even have to be someone he was attracted to. He just needed a friend, someone to be there and hold him.

Intimately, as it were. 

"Riku," Selphie whimpers. "I'm close."

The hands on his back tighten their hold and the buzz in his head lessens. He leans down, presses his lips to her neck, manages a shaky smile. For the past few weeks she's been teaching him this, taking him in whenever watching Sora and Kairi becomes too much. He's so happy for his friends, really, truly, honestly, but it's also a little...

There are moments I want to be back on that beach with him, side by side in darkness. There are moments I want to be sitting with her, telling her I'm sorry that we left her behind.

But Sora could move beyond that beach. Kairi could leave him behind. 

That's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

Someone pinches his arm. "Ow!" Riku scowls. "Selphie!"

"Pay attention, jerk," she says, but she's laughing, her voice light and her touch lighter as she pushes his head back against her neck. "Do that again."

"Alright," he huffs, smiles again as he kisses her throat. It's fair enough for her to complain when he's like this—if he needs closeness, comfort, encouragement, then she needs much the same. She knows what she's doing more so than he does, but that's even more reason to keep his mind from wandering. She already outclasses me. I have to keep up.

But it's hard. The buzz is always there, lurking just beyond. If not for that noise burned into his brain he'd be able to let her know just how much he's enjoyed their time together. Selphie's warm and sweet, with a stamina greater than Riku's when it comes to this. He wishes he could do more for her, wishes he understood what they were doing well enough—wishes he were well enough—to turn things around and focus on her, but he can't.

Still, that's okay. If nothing else, she seems to enjoy watching him try.

"At least you know what a clit is," she'd said the first time. Riku'd decided not to ask. 

He reaches down between their bodies now, rocking his hips, pushing his cock deeper inside her. Wet sounds drown out the distant waves, the slap of skin, slick, and sweat between them enough to dim the buzz. Her giggles break, turn to gasps. Even Riku's voice slips out as they stumble toward the edge. He tries to hold it back, shy—why would she want to hear his ridiculous voice anyway? He can't imagine it's as cute as she says it is.

But it always slips out in the end, those tiny little gasps and whimpers escaping as heat builds. He tries to hide them by kissing her ear, one hand in her hair, the other around her back. She tightens around him as she comes, and it's hot and wet enough that Riku follows, can't hold back as he cries out.

She let's him collapse on her when they're done, laughs as his bigger frame flops down on her smaller one. "Not bad," she says.

"M'glad," he mumbles, nuzzling against her neck as her hands trail over his back. This part is always his favorite. Basking in the afterglow with Selphie makes him feel comfortable, lazy like he used to be on only the most languid of afternoons. It reminds him of Sora and Kairi napping while he works, of his friends resting beneath the trees while the sun is still a little too high in the sky. He remembers lying down beside them, never quite able to sleep, always a little irritated and a little admiring of their ability to do so.

He gets it now—their need to nap the hours away, the need to avoid that which burns the most. He understands them here in this tiny seaside shack, with the windows shuttered, slanted light and a little breeze sneaking in to toy with the hanging greenery and gauzy blinds.

He lazes until he gets his breath back, then shifts, rolls until Selphie's half on top of him. He doesn't like squishing her, though she says she doesn't mind. In the time that's passed she's grown a little, but so has he, and he's definitely grown more. Now he's taller than Wakka and about as broad. Should I be happy about that? Because I only feel weird.

But that's the reality he's returned to, where he's out of sorts and full to the brim with funny feelings.

"Thanks," Selphie murmurs, comes to rest in the crook of his arm. The sheets slipped off the bed while they were fucking, but that's okay. The weather's humid enough that they don't need them and the ones underneath are soft and comfortable. All things considered, Selphie's probably a little too hot to be holding, but despite that he wants her closer, shifts them both for a better cuddle.

Skin against skin feels so, so good. Riku doesn't know why. He's almost embarrassed by how much he likes it—no, he is embarrassed—but Selphie seems to like it when he nuzzles her. "You're a big baby," she teases, laughs as he smushes his face into her hair, "but it's cute, y'know?"

"Not really," he mumbles.

"It is! Oh, I wish you'd believe me."

"Sorry."

"Nnnh, it's fine. I'll have the last laugh, just you wait. Soon you'll have to see how cute you are!"

He chuckles, lets her rub her cheek against his chest. Their legs are tangled and now and then he slides his against hers. He just wants to feel the friction, the presence of another person. It's his good fortune that her skin's quite nice, even with all the wear and tear of living by the sea.

"You take good care of yourself," he says.

"You're not so bad either," she murmurs, "for someone who's been travelling all over the place." She backs up her words with actions, fingers dancing over his muscles appreciatively. He tries not to think about the softness around his stomach—he hasn't been idle, but the Islands have left him feeling mellow, a little too heavy at heart. You'd think carrying that weight in his chest would keep him fit, but no.

"Hn."

With that thought Selphie's fingers find his stomach, poke gently at that softness. "This part is cute, hehe."

"Selphie..."

"And this," she squeals, hands coming up to stroke his hair, "and this, and this!" She touches his nose, his cheeks, laughs at his expression. "That, and the fact you look so bewildered by everything these days. Sometimes you even seem shocked by the sun! How could someone so well-traveled still be surprised by all those tiny things? I guess you learned to appreciate them, huh?" She taps his nose again. "I need to get smarter! Or maybe more random? Anything to keep seeing you make that confused, baffled face!"

"Wha—"

"There! There!" She presses her fingers into both his cheeks and ah, when she's like this it feels like she's discovered and absorbed the most dangerous parts of Sora and Kairi, tossing in a little of her own 'hyperactive rodent' personality for good measure. "It's such a good look on you!"

He smiles. She's an endearing rodent. Maybe she'd like to meet Mickey one day, if we can tell her about the world order and everything else. Maybe one day I'll get to meet Minnie and Chip and Dale and the both of us can make friends with them too. She'd like that. I'd like that. 

Riku tilts his head back, never quite escaping her reach. Still, it's hot and she settles down after only a moment, throwing her arms around him then, inexplicably, deciding her side of the bed is too hot and climbing over onto his left. "Oof, Selphie..."

"Sorry Riku!" She sings.

"No you aren't."

"You're right!"

He laughs, gets comfortable again. It's easy now, without her fingers poking his face. They doze for a moment in the quiet that falls, her arm around his chest, head on his shoulder. Will it just be more of this until it's time to dress and leave?

Well, that's not a problem. Her touch is enough that, in the afterglow, the buzz seems that much more distant. The harder thoughts can't settle, aren't sinking in even as they flit across the surface of his mind. Still, he wouldn't mind—

"Hey Riku?"

—some pillow talk.

"Yes Selphie?"

"Do you like Sora and Kairi?"

Okay. Maybe I don't want some pillow talk.

"As friends?" He glances down, tries not to roll his eyes at her pout. It's a face he recognizes from childhood—both petulant and judging, although probably with good reason. She crosses her arms and glares up at him.

"No. Not like friends. I want to know if you love them—either or both."

He could lie. Instead, he looks away and says, "They love each other Selphie."

"So?"

"So? I don't want to get in their way. So much has happened and they just—they'll need some time together, without me. I can read a room well enough. After everything that's happened—" He catches himself "—I don't remember it all very well but—but we just got back and it's...it's messy."

"Mmhm..." She hums.

He's not surprised by her response. Selphie might be a ditz, but she's also perceptive. He's just lucky she's lenient when it comes to this. He admires it, really. I might be full of it, but she can actually read a room.

"Riku?"

He clears his throat, realizes his mind's wandered. "Look, I just want to give them enough space to figure things out. A lot's happened and I think they need that much. When Kairi confessed I—" My heart broke a little, "—I knew I didn't want to get in the way. They haven't come after me, so I guess I was right."

Selphie's stare doesn't make him feel right though. Her eyes linger just a little too long before she sighs and looks away. "Stupid," she mumbles.

"Sorry?"

She shakes her head, laughs, presses a kiss to his chest. "No, no don't worry about it. It's complicated. Maybe you're right and they do need a little time to sort things out, but here's the thing; did you ever think maybe they're giving you a little time too?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I mean you're determined, Riku. You want to win sword fights and races? You do. You wanted to leave the Island? You left. Kairi and Sora can't read your mind, and if I were honest I don't think Sora's the 'space giving' sort, but it's not like they don't know you're avoiding them. It'd be hard for them to seek you out even if they tried, what with how you run away all the time. Kairi's probably talked to Sora and they're...well, they might be waiting for..." She shakes her head. "You know what? Don't worry about it. Maybe everyone needs a little space, although it's frustrating sometimes..."

"Frustrating?" Riku frowns.

"I just have to remind myself that I can see things you can't, is all. The chances you have, the things that make me sigh and go 'lucky' aren't so obvious to you..."

Almost, he asks why he's lucky. He doesn't though, too caught up in the way her gaze peers off toward something unseen, out of focus. She's out of it, an uncommon thing, and he doesn't want to take advantage of that. He can hug her though, which seems like something she'd appreciate, so he does. He squishes her close and she giggles.

"Still frustrated?"

"Not so much, and it's not your fault anyway."

They relax and quiet settles over the room again. There's just the breeze, the waves, and distant laughter.

"What did you think of that drawing? You know the one."

How easy silence drowns, the buzz rising like the tide. He stills, breath catching. 

The cave walls carved with so many wishes, each drawing a longing, a desire. He was there that terrible night—that night he made terrible, that night he brought upon the Destiny Islands, all the darkness inside him a perfect lure for the Heartless. He saw the addition Sora'd made to his and Kairi's childhood carvings, saw it and turned away and—

The buzz blares inside his skull, the heat pressing down on him. He feels disgusting, mired in sweat and every single thing he's done wrong. How can he think such petty thoughts, feel such petty things while he lies in bed with someone he condemned to the darkness he brought upon his home? How can he sleep with Selphie when he was willing to risk her life, willing to play games when he didn't know the rules nor the consequences of them?

How can he do all that when she doesn't know?

How can his heart still get so caught up in his own pitiful problems when he has so much he needs to reflect on?

How—

Fingers toy with his hair. Distantly he hears a voice, a whispered, "Riku?" He feels the buzz dim and catches himself, snatches his thoughts back before they spiral. What was Selphie's question again?

How did I feel about the drawing?

Resentful, bitter, jealous. Those were the feelings he felt on that night. Awkward, though, that'd been what he'd felt when he'd gone to visit the cave after their return and seen Kairi's addition. He didn't have it in him to feel much else. Considering what I did that night, I don't think I have the right to expect anything but exclusion.

The buzz returns. He closes his eyes. "I've known they wanted to share a paopu for a while, so I guess I'm glad? They finally got around to it, even if it's only shared through carvings on a wall."

"Hm," Selphie hums, "okay." There's a pause before she sighs, a little dramatic. "Y'know, I wish someone would share a paopu with me."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's just..." Her voice fades, mind wandering. In all honesty Riku has no idea where it's gone. Once upon a time he'd been good friends with the other kids in their group, had enjoyed playing with them. Right before the end though—before he'd left and abandoned the Islands to darkness—he'd distanced himself, and then they all changed during his year and a half away. These past few weeks have helped him get to know Selphie again, but there's still a lot she hasn't shared.

Then again, I'm not entirely honest with her either. I can't be. 

Still, he doesn't want to leave her hanging so he tries, "It's just?..." and hopes for the best.

She giggles, pokes him again. "It's just that when I was younger I really wanted to share a paopu with someone, anyone, just so long as they were cool and liked me. I didn't really mind who it was, so long as it meant someone wanted to be with me forever. Even now I still think that way, just a little. Like, it's not romantic, but if Tidus or Wakka gave me one I'd probably share it with them. Still I..."

The wheels turn in Riku's head, given a push by—something. Her tone, her wistful looks, the way she seems to understand his pining, even if she shakes her head at him sometimes. "Selphie, do you—oh."

He wasn't Sora—not that Sora was dumb, but there were things he'd miss that Riku wouldn't. Little things, tiny things. If it's not Tidus or Wakka, and it's not me or Sora, then it's...of course.

"Hm? What is it Riku?"

Almost, he wants to ask her if he's right, if she looks out over the rose gold sea at sunset and thinks of her. Instead, he says, "It's nothing, don't worry."

"Hm," Selphie hums. "I reckon it's not but fine, I won't pester you about it—not this time, anyway." She smiles, and her expression is more appreciative than inquisitive.

She knows I know. Still they leave the words unsaid, Riku fishing for their original topic. "Well all things considered, I think I'll be okay without sharing a paopu. I've never felt the need."

"Really?" Selphie asks. "Even though you love Sora and Kairi?" Riku stiffens. To hear it said so bluntly is almost too much. "Don't you think it means something? To share a paopu with someone? To make a promise so strong that destiny itself steps in to keep you entwined against all odds?"

"I..." He closes his eyes. There's no point denying the truth. She knows I love them. Why bother hiding it from her? She understands what it means to pine, after all. His chest rises, falls, and he opens his eyes once more. "I've already made a promise—to protect my friends, to protect the things that matter, the people that matter, the ones who matter most. It's a destiny I've already decided. Paopu fruits are sweet and all, but their blessing isn't something I need when my heart's made its promise."

"I see. So you're a romantic, but you need to be special too."

He laughs. "Shush, Selphie. I'm allowed to do things my own way."

His mood lifts when he hears her laugh in response, light blooming in his heart when she smushes her face against him. "Unbelievable! You're so silly."

They're wrapped tight together, his arms squeezing her just a little, and it's then he decides to give her some additional honesty. "Maybe I am. To tell you the truth it does...sting, I guess—not being in that drawing."

"Yeah?" She says, and her eyes are gentle when she looks up at him, all dewy and soft.

He nods. "Yeah. It's hard to say but even if the paopu isn't so important to me, it's important to others. Sora and Kairi worked on that drawing together, and when they drew themselves sharing a paopu but didn't include me it—it says something about our bond." It says I'm not in the picture. It says, 'Make your own destiny, Riku, because you're not a part of this one.'

Her hand seeks out his own, lacing their fingers. "I get it."

Funnily enough, Riku's sure she does.

Quiet came again, and the buzz with it. Sweat beads on his body despite their loafing about, dripping down his arms, his neck, his back. Waves come to mind, Sora and Kairi splashing in them, squealing in the same delighted way they had when they were kids. He can see the sunlight flashing off them in his mind, how dazzling they were together on the beach at high noon.

Oh, how he longs to be there.

"You know," Selphie says, and wind chimes sound, dancing alongside the plants, "I think you keep a lot inside, Riku. I think you're honest and open about a lot too, but there's parts of yourself you keep tucked away and that—that makes them feel distant from you. They know when you're avoiding them, but they don't fully understand why. They can't. Still, you don't tell them." Green eyes dart up, frighteningly sharp. "They'd draw you on that wall if you asked, but you don't ask."

I—" Riku tenses, feels a shiver up his spine. "Selphie?"

She holds his gaze for one second, two, then snorts. "Scared you, didn't I?" She laughs and he scowls, but when she speaks again her voice is soft and Riku's face is smooth. "You're not bad for them, y'know that Riku? No matter what happened between you guys I think you deserve to be with them, if you want them and they want you. You're not bad. And I mean, just speaking personally for a minute? I can't see how anyone who's so insufferably cute as to claim he's made vows of destiny in his heart that rival the blessings of a legendary fruit can be totally bad—if he's not being creepy about it, that is."

"And how would you know if I'm not being creepy—" Slap. His chest stings."Ow, Selphie!"

"Because I know things, and you're not. Next question!"

"No, no more. Ugh," he squirms. "Not sure I wanna talk to you right now."

"And here we see an example of your avoidant tendencies in action, one of your biggest issues! I mean, c'mon, you're in here sleeping with little ol' me instead of doing it out on the beach with them—"

"Selphie!" Riku chokes.

"—and while I'm touched and happy to be here with you—glad you're here with me, even—I kinda get the feeling you might wanna be with them more." She winks. "At least when it comes to this sort of thing. Of course, if you ever feel like something's missing you can invite me along to spice things up! You can even invite Tidus and Wakka—Tidus can find the clit now, y'know?"

And again Riku chokes. "Selphie, please!"

She cackles, but ultimately spares him. He really doesn't need to know the details of Tidus and Wakka's sex lives. He likes them, and they're both handsome in their ways, but they're not guys he's ever thought of when he's lying in bed at night. Granted, neither is Selphie, but somehow this is easier with her than with them. He's not particularly attracted to her, but she's comfortable to be with. He can talk to her about things he's not sure the boys could handle. But I hope she gets something out of this too.

"Alright, alright," Selphie says, "I'll spare you. I was being serious about the avoidance thing though. I don't really know what happened to you Riku, or Sora and Kairi either, but sometimes you have to put the most vulnerable part of your heart on the line to get what you want." She snorts. "Then again, you were always trying to be a little cooler than all us other kids. Always the role model, I guess. The boys bought it, but the girls..."

Riku huffs. "I know you thought I was cool—ack!"

She relents, fingers sparing his nipple any further twisting. "I did when we were younger, just a little. You changed when you grew up though, and Kairi always thought you were dorkier than you let on. She liked that side of you, but then you became kinda...strange, right before you left." Riku stills, hears the buzz looming, but then Selphie is there, stroking his arm, soft, soothing. "It's like you were stuck."

"Stuck?"

"Like in a mire. If you wallow too long that's what happens. You get stuck in all your hurt, and the more stuck you get the more sad you are, the more angry, and it all turns into hurt and sucks you in deeper. By that point it can be hard to get unstuck without doing something desperate, maybe even dangerous, but by then that's all you want to do anyway, and who cares what the cost is? You just do it. Nothing else matters except getting free."

"But then..." Riku hesitates. "What if what you do to get unstuck just makes things worse?"

"That's just it, Riku. It usually does. It's why we can't avoid that vulnerable part of ourselves. If we don't reach out with it, if others don't reach back, we..."

She trails off, lets him come to his own conclusions. She doesn't know everything, but he wonders what Selphie fears, what lurks in the heart of this girl so seemingly content with island life that she might know of the mire and all its secrets.

Whatever it is, she's not wrong; not about him and coolness, him and role models, him and the mire. Sora and the other boys have always admired him—even Wakka, who was older—but the girls saw right through him, apparently. "I guess you're right," he says.

"You don't have to tell me everything," she says. "You don't have to tell me anything—about where you've been and what you've gone through. I mean, I know you know magic because Sora showed it off without thinking but—"

Riku's wheeze interrupts her, laugh catching in his throat. Explaining that had been hard, though maybe not as hard as it could've been. Selphie believes in destiny and romance and promises, so convincing her that magic was real wasn't particularly difficult. Not that it'd be hard to convince anyone, what with Sora turning a stack of logs into a bonfire with a Fira spell from halfway down the beach. Convincing her not to ask too many questions though? Now that'd been tricky.

But that's not what this is all about, in the end. It's not what she's really asking. Avoidance, 'deserves', and 'good enough', alongside other, bigger questions—those are the thoughts that accompany her words.

"What do I have to do then?" He asks, looks down to her. She's smirking.

"You need to face the truth."

"And what's the truth?"

"Want me to tell you, Mister Tries-Not-To-Moan-In-Bed? Want to know what your problem is?"

"Wha—hey, wait, Selphie—"

She laughs, but not unkind;y. "You're frightened of your vulnerability, Riku. You can speak openly about your dreams, and yet there's a part of your heart you can't follow. You want to live openly, want to share everything inside you with them, with the world even. Your darkness, your light, your love. And maybe, maybe the reason that's hard right now is because whatever's happened to you made you feel bad. But also, honestly? This has always been a problem with you and...and I get it."

A shadow crosses her eyes—the same wistful look from before. He clears his throat, lets it go. "So, what do I do? If this is a problem, how do I solve it?"

She shrugs, tilting her head to the side. "I dunno. For you, I feel like you'd need to do something pretty drastic or intimate to crack the shell, begin the process of working it out. At the same time, I think it'd need to be someone lower stakes than Sora or Kairi doing the cracking, y'know?"

"Like—"

"Like me," she says, grins. "Riku, are you in love with me?"

"Um," he raises his eyebrows, "you're important to me."

"That's not the same thing Riku, or at least, it's not the same sort of love I'm asking about."

"Does love really fit so easily into 'sorts', Selphie?"

She huffs. "Maybe not, but be serious Riku. I wasn't one of the people you wanted to sail off on a raft with now, right?"

She's got him there and he knows it. That doesn't make him feel any less guilty though, doesn't make him feel any less strange about being with her like this when he willingly abandoned her and all his other friends once. "Selphie..."

"Do I look upset, Riku? Cause I'm not. Besides, you know I slept with Tidus and Wakka all the time last year and never loved them in that way. I'd fight back the sea itself for them, but that doesn't change the fact the sunset feels different when I watch it with them and not—" She stops, shakes her head.

"Selphie?"

"Look, I'm not bothered. I've never wanted to go rafting to other worlds with you. I like it here, and as much fun as I have spreading a little chaos I kinda feel like I'd sink or capsize the raft within a day or two. I'm surprised you didn't do that or starve, honestly. Destiny really was there for you, huh?" He shrugs and she smiles, but gets back to the point. "What I'm trying to say is that I might be able to help you. We're friends, and you trust me, but that doesn't change the fact I'm lower stakes. In general, and in intimacy. In vulnerability. You worry a little less about what I think."

"I still worry about what you think though. You matter, Selphie. I was pretty embarrassed when we started doing this."

"You were, but that's fine. This wouldn't work if you didn't care about me at all. It's just—different, I suppose. In the long run you need to be open with those most precious to you, but there are still things easier said and done with someone you're a little detached from. It's less intense."

"Maybe," Riku says, "but I'd still be embarrassed if I messed up. I'd be sad if I hurt you, Selphie."

"I know, and I'm not doing this just so I can bully your tender parts either. Not much, anyway." He rolls his eyes at her she smirk, looking far too like a cat with her catch—or a hyperactive rodent creature with her paopu fruit, as it were. "But in the end it's probably good if you're embarrassed. It means you're doing something that makes you feel vulnerable, and that's what we want! We just have to hope that by the end of this you're more embarrassed by the fact you're unimpressive than the fact you've opened yourself up enough to discover it."

"I'd rather not be unimpressive!"

"I know," she says, "but it's a risk you take whenever you let yourself be vulnerable—and that's fine. Besides, you can't get good at anything without being open about the fact you're not good at it first. That's just how it is, Riku. Now..." Her fingers tap across his chest, voice a singsong, "what to do, what to do?"

She idles while Riku thinks. His mind wanders, tripping over her words, her thoughts, what he needs to do to come to terms with himself. She wants me to talk to Sora and Kairi. She wants me to stop avoiding them, and she thinks I need to share my whole heart to find the courage for that. He doesn't disagree, but that didn't mean this was easy. 

He gives in to the buzz then, though carefully. It sinks into him, the feel of summer's heat a hum beneath his skin, reverberating through his body. Vulnerability. What makes me vulnerable? When have I been weak?

Sora and Kairi—when they're with me and I want to give in to desire, want to share my heart.

Ansem—his strength the perfect lure, his power irresistible.

Maleficent—her looming presence undeniable, her promises true but her 'truths' all manipulations, lies of omission. 

Maleficent. Her name jars something in him; a memory. The libraries of Hollow Bastion—not hers, but not not hers by the time he visits them. He browsed books in his spare time, fingers caressing the spines, tugging them free, flicking through the pages as he read. He remembers many of them, though few like the one that comes to mind. It promised to be about special kinds of magic—ones that led to new experiences and reevaluations of the self. Riku had expected something grand.

Instead, there'd been an image of a man and woman in bed together under most unusual circumstances. Riku had dropped the book as if scorched when he realized what the spell was actually for, then shoved it back in the shelf and run away, unwilling to admit he'd been interested.

But he'd snuck back later during the night and learned the spell, just in case. He still remembers it, cheeks burning when he realizes just how easily it comes back to him. His stomach roils, but he opens his mouth to speak anyway. It's important. It's—what we need.

Selphie notices his open mouth—a good thing, because he can't get the words out—and perks up. "Got an idea?"

Actually, maybe it's not a good thing. Embarrassment tempts him to keep silent, but he resists. Vulnerability is the point of this, isn't it?

"I—I know some magic that might help."

"Oh! So you know magic too?" Selphie's eyes light up, excited. It's almost a little too much in the hot, heavy air of the shack. "I was wondering if you did. That's so cool. So, what do you have in mind?"

He opens his mouth, wheezes, closes it, tries again. "It's...ah..." Were his cheeks burning before? Because they're blazing now. Unfortunately that just makes Selphie more eager, her grin increasing in its cat-like qualities with each passing second. "Uhhh..."

"Riku..." She mews.

"It's a spell," he chokes out, "a spell that switches our body parts—the, ah, sex-having ones. I think it can affect the chest as well if you want it to, but that doesn't seem so relevant today..." He rambles on until his voice catches and he can't quite bring himself to speak again. If Selphie's looking at him he doesn't notice, eyes off to the side.

The air is tense, though that's not necessarily a bad thing. It has all his nerves pinging though, and maybe he does notice Selphie's eyes on him, can feel them boring into him as the idea sinks in. "Oh Riku that's..." She inhales deeply, so deeply Riku's heart nearly beats out his chest, then squeals. A small flinch is all he allows as she squeezes him, kicking her legs.

"Selphie—"

"Oh, I love it! Yes, yes, let's do that! I've always wanted to know what it's like to have a—oh gosh how exciting and—I get to do it with you? See how cute and needy you are when I—" She cuts herself off with a gasp, and then her face turns to pure, delighted evil. "Ohoho, I'm gonna show Tidus and Wakka up so bad. I mean you won't be able to compare us of course, seeing as you've never slept with them but oh, I'm gonna be awesome!"

Her display is so ridiculous Riku has to laugh, nervous as he is. But she knows what it's like to have a body like, well, hers. It's hard not to trust her, when she's bright and bouncy and bubbly as she is now, eager and entirely accepting of the scenario. Riku knew some people would blanch at this sort of thing—he had, too embarrassed to look at an illustration in a book—but Selphie's just excited. 

That helps a little, calms some of the chaos in his stomach. It's so wild down there that the buzz in his head is almost completely drowned by the churning of his gut. But then Selphie's hands are there, soothing him. "I'll take good care of you, okay?"

Riku swallows thickly. "Okay..."

The magic itself is simple. It's easiest to do if Selphie climbs on top of him, so she does. They hold each other as close as they can and Riku trembles—at the contact, but also with nerves. He remembers the instructions though; if one has a willing partner, the incantation, and a body open to new experiences, then so long as they have magical ability they will succeed.

Still the sensation the spell causes shocks him, success unexpected considering his anxiety. Warm pleasure floods his body, Selphie's gasp in his ear enough for him to realize the feeling's shared. Both of them squirm until—there! Riku shivers, squeezes his legs together, and knows the spell is complete.

"Oh wow!" Selphie darts back before Riku can stop her. Small mercy really, that she's staring at her own dick rather than his newfound parts. He has just enough time to cover himself while she plays with her cock. "It's so—oh, I've always been curious! Hey, maybe I can do this and then get Tidus to give me head sometime, see if I taste better than Wakka!"

She has no shame, none at all. It makes Riku giggle, which is a mistake. Her eyes dart to him immediately, take in his red cheeks, heaving breaths, and the way his hands cover his body. "Riku..."

His face burns. "Selphie..."

"Aw, Riku," she purrs, crawls up until she's leaning over him. "Can I see?"

A part of him wants to say no, but another part is curious, longing. More than that this is a test of vulnerability, of his ability to overcome the lingering fear of weakness that exists inside him. Besides, he thinks, she's hidden nothing from me. Indeed, she seems completely unperturbed by her nudity and her new cock. It's fine.

Still, his "Okay," comes out as a strangled peep. 

"You sure?" Selphie sing songs.

"Yes I'm—look, Selphie please just—I'm gonna be embarrassed no matter what so can you—"

"Okay!" She sings again, crawling back down his body, running her fingers over his thighs before she takes hold of them. "Move with me, okay?"

He swallows again, covers his eyes with one arm, his other hand covering between his legs as he allows Selphie to part them. Her thumb rubs at his inner thigh, soothing, voice soft as she asks him to remove his hand. His heart thunders as he does, rowdy when he clutches that same hand to his chest so Selphie can take a look.

"Oh wow!" She exclaims. "You're so..." He jumps when he feels her fingers touching him, running over this new part of him. It's more sensitive than he expected, and a little gasp escapes when she parts his folds. "You're so pretty Riku! Oh, I can't believe I get to fuck you in here! I'm so lucky!"

His body shocks him then. He's embarrassed, but oh, his holes clenches at her words, heat rushing to his crotch. The worst thing—or perhaps the best—is that she must see it, must see the way he twitches and know what she's done to him. She has one most of the time after all. She knows how it works. 

Yet despite the fact she could tease him, she doesn't. The bed shifts beneath her weight, dipping on either side of Riku's head as her hands settle there. Even if Riku can't see her, he can feel how gentle she's being. "Hey Riku," she says, "I want to look at you when I fuck you. That's okay, right?"

Hm," is all he can reply, but he still moves his arm away from his eyes. He's sure his face is painfully pink, and judging by the way her lips part when he reveals himself, he likely looks a little obscene because of it.

"Oh wow..."

"Don't stare," he whispers, voice strained.

"Oh wow."

"Selphie!"

"Sorry," she giggles. "It's just...well, the thing is I don't feel like I've changed all that much? But it looks like you're getting in touch with all the parts of yourself that you don't usually express, huh?"

Is that true? He always feels a little embarrassed, although lately he's become a little more comfortable with himself. But then he pauses, really thinks about it. During sex he's always quieter than he should be, more restrained, careful, concealed. He's never felt quite like this—ever.

Yet the chance to have sex this way, this temporary change of shape has him on fire. There's something thrilling about it, the desire he felt when he first saw the image come to the surface. The shame inside is very real, but it's less the shock of suddenly being a boy with a pussy about to be fucked in it and more the manifestation of all he usually hides when in his typical body, playing his typical role.

The change throws me off and I can't hide. A routine broken, normalcy disturbed, letting all that's strange and soft fill me up instead.

"I'll be gentle, okay?" Selphie says. "You're gonna feel so good."

"I know," he says, and she smiles.

She starts slow. Riku lets his arm rest over his eyes again, peeking out now and again just to avoid being surprised. Her hands are on his chest, and though she's touched him there before it doesn't feel the same. Maybe it's the position they're in, the promise of what's to come, or maybe it's because he's letting her linger, letting her take advantage of his sensitivity rather than denying her the chance to play.

It's good, so good. His breath keeps getting stuck in his throat and tiny sounds keep slipping out. Why's it so hard to hold back my voice? It isn't usually this difficult, but every tweak of his nipples has him whimpering. His body's shaking by the time Selphie's done with his chest, hands running over it one last time before they glide down, down, down. They're such lovely hands too, calloused from beach life and brawling, but well tended all the same. 

The thought flees him when they run over his stomach and he flinches. Oh no, oh no, oh no—

"You're ticklish," Selphie breathes, eyes shining.

"Selphie—"

"Pwease?" She says, so ridiculously he chokes. He peeks under his arm to catch her big, doe-eyed pout. "Just a little?"

"I...oh, alright—"

That's the last word he gets out before her fingers are dancing all over his stomach. He squirms, tries to contain his giggles and wriggles, but he can't. "A—ah, Selphie," slips out, half a whine, half a moan, and then he's lost, laughing, toes curling.

None of that is as embarrassing as the fact he can feel himself becoming wet though, cunt soaking in response to such gentle play.

Selphie has mercy then, leans back up and—oh, alright, maybe she doesn't have mercy because she's tugging his arm away from his face. He can feel it becoming warm again beneath her scrutiny, but she makes no comment except, "You gotta show me, Riku. Here, grip the pillow. It'll help." Riku does, fingers tangling in its softness as Selphie trails back down his body and settles between his legs.

With his gaze unobstructed—except for the brief moments when it's all too much and he buries his face in his pillow—he can actually take in Selphie's cock. She's very pretty, already hard and leaking a little. He wonders if the sensation is unusual for her. This is certainly unusual for him. She seems so much more comfortable with this new extension of her body, confident despite her lack of experience owning one. Is that true though, or is her own uncertainty simply invisible to him?

Does this feel as strange to you? As intense to you?

Yet she remains dedicated to slowness, to care, unwavering and appearing unconcerned. He can't help but appreciate it, regardless of whether or not she's holding back. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she gets off to teasing me as much as does actually fucking and grinding. Maybe she doesn't have to hold back as much, all things considered.

The thought's interrupted when she takes his legs and parts them, coos, "Aw, you're already wet, that's so cute," and trails a finger over his hole. He jumps at the feeling, stomach flooding with embarrassment and heat when she pulls her hand away to reveal a long, sticky thread connecting her finger to his body. Her grin is enormous. What was that about holding back? 

"Oh, t—that's..." is all he can manage.

"Shhh, it's a good thing. The wetter you are the easier this'll be." She kisses one of his legs, both still lifted, and Riku relaxes a little. She'll be good to him, he's sure. "You wanna know what my aim is, Riku?

"Hm?"

"I wanna hear you properly. No holding back, okay?"

He takes a deep breath, nods.

The foreplay is so much, maybe too much. Yet she takes it slow; toying with his hips, his thighs, dragging her fingers over his wet cunt. She stares at him, likes looking, and he can't stand how much he likes her doing it. The humiliation of being on display just makes him hotter, her idle comments setting his heart to thundering and his body to begging, hole squeezing around nothing. She rubs his clit in gentle circles and he throbs—desperate, aching.

He's felt a little empty during sex, sometimes. Selphie's offered now and then to put something inside him, but he's always been too nervous to let her explore him with her finger, her tongue, or any of the toys she's 'bought' from the odd, out of the way shop in town. Have I wanted someone inside me all this time? He wonders, shivers. It's so...so...

"So good," he says, voice breaking. He has to be honest though, no matter how much it makes him tremble.

Her eyes flit up and catch his, lips curling into a smile. She rubs a little harder, makes sure to drop her fingers down to his opening and collect all the wet there before sliding back to his clit. Now and then her fingers delve inside, such a strange, sweet sensation. It's completely new to him, yet he can feel himself opening to her, eagerly drawing her in and clinging to her when she tries to back out.

"Selphie, a—ah, I need—"

She leans up and kiss him, and his whole body tenses when the length of her cock presses against his cunt. She slides against him, hot and thick. His arms come up to hold her, the grounding he needs. Her breasts rub against his chest, soft and sweet. Everything tingles as she rolls her hips, shifting them back and forth until the head of her cock gets caught on his hole and she slips inside, his mouth falling open as she fills him entirely. It's...oh.

It's everything he's ever needed.

When she pulls back he whines, chokes on the sound when he realizes he's making it. Selphie's smiling though, eyes bright, her hand between them adjusting herself and—there. He can tell the angle is better, can feel the head of her cock resting at his opening.

"Wow," she murmurs, "you're really warm inside."

He's not surprised. There's heat in his head, in his stomach, under his skin and inside him. He's sure he'll be even hotter when she's in there, filling him and fucking him. He clenches at the thought, feels her cock twitch in response. Anxiety and desire wrestle inside him, his breath coming a little quicker. His legs remain open. He's as ready as he'll ever be.

Everything is buzzing around him, world humming with the tension strung through the air. 

Then she presses forward and she's back inside, the head of her cock nestling within his walls. She kisses him, lips sweet. "I wish you'd showed us this side of you back in the day, Riku."

His heart aches even as his body sings, Selphie sliding all the way inside until he can feel her hips pressed up against him. That moment of intimacy breaks him, and words tumble out. "But would anyone have looked up to me if they'd known I was like this? Would they have believed I could protect them? When I have to choose between two wishes which am I supposed to pick?"

"You're supposed to be greedy and try and get both," Selphie says. "Sometimes, if you work with your friends, you can have many wishes. You'll certainly catch more shooting stars with company, anyway. Maybe not all of them, but enough." She shrugs. "And considering how many times you made us all eat your dust in pretty much everything we did, I don't think we'd ever be able to doubt you, Riku." He shivers as she caresses his cheek, feels all the places she's touching him inside and out. It's a little sore, but she waits until he's breathing easy before she pulls back and adds, "Besides, anyone who means anything likes cute things Riku. We always loved you. We always would."

"I'm not—o-oh!"

Words fall away as she thrusts, careful, measured at first, but building in speed and strength. Riku's stomach flips but he can't help pushing his hips back, rolling his in time with hers. It doesn't matter if he's shy, his body is eager and fuck, being inside Selphie was nice but this—this is different. So sweet, so good, the feeling of someone inside him, pushing deeper and deeper, splitting him until they can pull him apart, open his body and see the whole of him. Strength, weakness, desire, humiliation, every light and every shadow.

His fingers cling desperately to her back, arms shaking. Is he too big for this? He doesn't want to drag her down but it's so much, so many new experiences all at once. She doesn't falter at least, simply fucks him harder every time his nails dig in. Her bubbly, bouncy energy carries her through, her stamina overwhelming his. She's quick but never rough, always on the right side of comfort, the right side of fun.

And it is—so, so fun. He blushes at the way she rubs him inside, and every squeeze he gives her leaves them both moaning. Her lips find his throat, kissing him, and he whimpers. Her hands roam and he giggles. The strange, awkward parts of Riku that were never allowed to 'be', that could not exist alongside the 'him' he presented to the world, are now bursting out. It's amazing. He hides his face in his pillow, flushing painfully red, but all the same there's a sense of relief—and a sense of loss. 

"Riku," Selphie laughs, "c'mon."

"I—it just feels—ohh, I—" He pants, struggles to get the words out. "I don't get it. I'm scared but also happy. I feel like this is the truest me, and yet I feel like something's missing. I feel like I've lost something and gained something, even though I'm not sure I've done either."

Selphie smiles. "You really think too much Riku—ngh—all those thoughts buzzing around in your brain." Riku's head lolls back with a particularly good thrust and he has to force himself to hear her. It's so hard to pay attention when her hand's found his clit again. Every brush makes him tighten and Selphie's cock is so big, so hot inside him. He's gasping as she talks. "You're losing your ability to hide and that's scary, but I'm not judging you. Sora and Kairi won't either. The 'strong' you isn't going anywhere, he's just growing up."

"This is—the strong me?"

"Mmhm," she kisses him and he whines, thighs squeezing her hips as she presses her thumb against his clit. "Of course, silly. Now hold on and let go—of the shame, at least. Your embarrassment's kinda cute. You look good when you blush."

He turns his head away, breath catching on her name as she adjusts her hold and pounds into him. Hair's catching on his cheeks, sweat dripping off his body, off hers. His hands scrabble over her back, thighs aching as he clings to her. She's in so deep and it feels so good. Can you feel both completely open and full at once? Because he does and it's wonderful.

Sounds spill out, little moans and cries filling the room. He can't help it, can't resist it when there's something building inside him. It's different, not quite like anything he'd ever felt in his usual shape. It's almost like he has to pee, but so, so sweet. It's warm and tingly and he's losing himself to it, can't quite keep the tension taut, can't catch himself as he tips over the edge and drowns, all sense fading, even the buzz giving way to the wave rushing toward him and—

"S—Sor—"

The wave doesn't quite crest, rolling back into the sea as he clamps down on the name half out his mouth. He comes back to himself too fast, squeezing tight around Selphie in a way not quite pleasurable. Selphie's looking down at him, no sign of upset, irritation, or alarm.

"I—I'm—" He says, words tangling. Selphie gives him a second before she giggles, shakes her head.

"You've been calling out their names this whole time, Riku. You've been calling mine too."

Heat and shame flood his stomach, wave turning into a pool. "I'm sorry, Selphie."

Her laughter is genuine though, unperturbed. "I don't mind, silly. They're precious to you, right? And we're doing this so you feel you can face them with all your heart. Besides, as I said, you've been calling out to me too. Now what with me being a little like Sora, with maybe a bit of Kairi in me? Of course you'd call out to them." Her expression turns devious. "Bet you'd like a bit of Kairi in you, huh?"

How many times has he choked today? He adds another to his mental list, calms only when Selphie leans down to press her nose against his. "I mean it, Riku," she says. "Part of being vulnerable is calling out the names you want to. Call to them." She winks. "Deep down I'm sure you know you're with me in this moment, so get that practice in, alright?"

Inexplicably, he laughs, loosens up enough for Selphie to get back to fucking him into the mattress. He moans, and it sounds extra silly since he's still laughing. He doesn't mind though, finds himself smiling. "Fi—fine, I—I'll do that but—but I'm not unhappy with—ah!"

Selphie smirks. "Oh, don't worry. I can tell you're not unhappy with me."

Oh, she's going to eat me alive. 

Yet he doesn't mind. He feels safe, surprisingly, and loved. Knowing his name fumbles don't bother her eases him, and perhaps paradoxically he finds it easier to call her name. He still drifts, calling for Sora and Kairi alongside her, but she's right. He can't forget she's the one with him now, and he doesn't want to. Being with her means he can imagine whatever he likes, get comfortable with it. He can imagine her, Sora, and Kairi all fucking him out on the beach while Tidus and Wakka stand, staring at them. He can imagine a whole host of ridiculous fantasies and then come right back to the safety of Selphie, the two of them tucked away in their little bed, in their little shack—a hideaway when it's all too much.

And there it is; the wave. It returns, buzz drowning, and his heart pounds. "Selphie, Selphie I'm—I feel like I'm gonna—" He can't even say it.

"S'normal," Selphie pants, fucking him fast. "S'fine. Just let go, and if it's actually pee I promise I won't make fun of you. Not much, anyway."

He thinks he wouldn't mind if she did, thinks there might be an allure to being teased by someone he knows will always care for him. Sora and Kairi will do that too. I can believe in them. Even if the stakes are higher I can believe. He swallows, cries out. I'm learning too many things about me today, too many things about her. What can I do for her? But the thought shatters as the heat in him coils and coils, tightens, and though he tries to hold on the wave approaches and he knows his lifeline will break. Knows he wants it to.

Riku whines, holds Selphie as close as he can, snatches those last fragments of thought before they drown with the buzz. He draws her in close and whispers, "You can call her name if you want."

Just once she stutters, her hips failing. He pulls back enough to see her eyes widen, lips parting as he raises a hand to her face and strokes her cheek. He smiles and then she does, so warm. "Thanks Riku," she says, and he nearly misses the way her voice wobbles, "but I'll be okay."

He says nothing more, just draws her in. The wave crests and breaks, the knot inside him unraveling. Her thumb's on his clit and her cock is so hot inside him that all he can do is cry out, legs trembling as everything comes undone. Too many sounds slip out, heat washing over him, body shaking and stiffening, squeezing around her cock and oh, he can feel her coming. Every spurt coats the inside of his cunt, leaving him a whimpering mess while she pants and moans in his ear. They stay like that until their breathing evens out and Selphie pulls back just enough to kiss him and then, as inelegantly as Riku himself usually does, collapses.

"Wowee!" She exclaims.

"Oof, seriously Selphie?"

"What? You always collapse on me!" She sings.

"It was more the post-sex 'wowee' that got me. I think I can handle your weight just fine."

"Oh," she titters, "well, I deserved a 'wowee', didn't I?"

"Yeah," Riku snorts, "I suppose." He loosens his grip on her hips, lets his legs fall where they may. He keeps his arms around her though, but eases up a little. They ache, still recovering from the tension of his orgasm.

He wants her close though, grounding the both of them. Part of him is still reeling from what they've just done, another part still embarrassed by how he'd behaved while they were doing it. But more than that, he just wants her to know he's grateful, wants her to know he's there if she needs him.

"Selphie."

"Hm?"

"Thank you. I think I...I think I feel a little closer to where I need to be, a little closer to showing others this side of me."

Selphie giggles. "I'd hope so. You were really into it. My dick's sore from how tight you were squeezing me."

"Wow, Selphie," Riku coughs, laughs, "I'm learning today that there are ways in which you can be entirely unromantic."

Selphie pulls back, sticks out her tongue with her usual cheer. "We're friends. I can be as unromantic as I want."

"Fair enough." He pauses. "But Sora and Kairi are my friends and I'm—I'm in love with them. What's the difference then, between friends and lovers? Where's the line?"

"Dunno. How it feels to you, I guess? There is no line, no truth. Every heart decides for itself, just like they decide how they're going to pursue their destiny. Will it be with fruit and charms, with promises and protection?" She gestures lazily before slumping down, comfortable as a cat. "You can debate about it forever, but y'know what? It's up to you in the end."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Oh, and let it be known I am a very romantic friend! I just don't get all mushy toward you, doofus."

"Well, if that's what works for you," he says, finds he can't keep the grin off his face. There's more he has to say though. It has to be while they're close, so when she makes to pull away he hooks a leg around her and draws her back down. His body's starting to feel a little sore, a little odd, but he ignores it. None of that matters.

Selphie tilts her head, brow furrowing. "Riku? Something wrong?"

"No, not really, it's just...if I do speak to Kairi and Sora, about being with them..."

"Hm?" Her frown falls away, voice regaining some of its pep. She's so excited for him it makes him smile. He wonders how she'll feel when she realizes this is about her—that this is for her.

"If we do figure things out, I just want you to know you're always welcome around. You're my friend, you're Sora's friend and Kairi's—well, I think she'd like to see you, wouldn't she? I think there's things you need to talk about, when all's said and done."

Selphie blinks. His words reach her slowly, like a pebble sinking to the bottom of a lake. Deep inhale, deep exhale, something strange behind her eyes. Then she smiles, and it's the shakiest he's ever seen grace her lips. Looking at it—all that feeling, all that pain—he thinks of all the kindness she's shown, the whole life she's lived in the year and a half he's been gone, and wonders how he ever could have justified sinking this place into darkness.

"Riku," she says, voice a murmur, "thank you. We—Kairi and I—we've spoken a little but it's..."

"Complicated?"

She nods. "Yeah, but I think you're right. When things settle I should find the time to talk to her again. I just—I don't want to get in the way."

"You won't. You can't."

"Hm," is all she says in reply. She shuffles back and finally removes her cock from his body. Cum trickles out and Riku blushes, but honestly? It's not a bad feeling. It'll be a little while before their bodies change back anyway, so he might as well get comfortable with it. He shifts, lets Selphie settle beside him, one hand rubbing her back.

They settle in to doze the afternoon away. There's nothing to say, really, so they lounge. In Riku's mind, another little light appears—someone he must keep safe, must protect so they can live their lives, achieve their dreams. It lingers with him in the heat alongside everything else he's learned and everything he still has to think about.

Their bodies are still hot and sweaty, tacky now with other things. The air still hangs heavy, the sound of the wind and ocean outside still slipping in alongside the distant laughter of their friends. The summer heat still burns, and the tropical buzz sweeps back in as the tide, settling over his ears.

It's softer now though, sweeter, and he sinks into it with a smile and falls asleep.