Family Planning

Who am I?

It wasn't a question Roxas had asked himself for a while. Sometimes it still haunted him, when the night hours ticked over into the silent morning darkness and his mind got noisy, but mostly he'd stopped caring about it. Roxas was Roxas.

He was happy with his life; had a body, a soul, a heart. Countless friends, relative peace—and two Keyblades if ever there weren't—and Axel. And I know myself. I'm...me. Not Sora, or Ventus, or anyone else. Not the Organization's tool or some outsider in a fake world or anything. More than a Warrior of Light or a Keyblade Wielder, more than Sora's Nobody. Just...me. Fighter, friend, lover.

He hadn't expected to be all those things, but he liked it, as much as he liked peeling back the layers of who he had been, who he was, and who he could be. Given room to discover himself, Roxas had relished all of it. No one could tell him who he was anymore, and no one would ever again if they valued their kneecaps. All in all, he'd been content.

But Roxas had learned the thing about identity was that it always changed, because life always changed. He didn't mind that, even liked it maybe, except it meant he had to ask himself the same questions over and over again, and that unsettled him.

It was a fear left over from the remnants of a life where he didn't know he was, and didn't get to decide. It kept him up even now.

Still, he was grateful. These days, fear or no fear, when he had a question he got to decide the answer.

Roxas rolled over, settled with one elbow propped on the pillow, head on his hand. The rather large lump in bed next to him remained silent save for the occasional grunt or muttered curse. All in his sleep, for which Roxas was also grateful. Axel's had so much trouble getting enough sleep.

He reached out carefully, skirted his hand over the covers to come to rest on the center of the lump. His heart danced in his chest; giddy, goofy, absolutely ridiculous. This wasn't something he'd ever thought would be a part of his life, but he's endlessly glad he got the opportunity to make it so.

It might be the cause of his identity crisis right now, but he didn't regret the choice he'd made, or the conversation that had preluded it a few years back.

"Axel, what do you think about kids?"

He remembered those words like he'd said them yesterday. Not the sort of thing you forget, I guess. The awkwardness, sweat on his palms, foot tapping on the ground. Axel's eyebrows had gone up and then up some more, and he'd cleared his throat.

"Uh, why?"

Roxas hadn't known what to say. He'd blushed, fidgeted, and then Axel had sat down and without the weight of green eyes in front of him he'd finally been able to talk.

"I kinda...want some."

Something had clicked then. A whole life of being made and shaped by other people, older people, most whom had lied and tricked Roxas and Roxas—he wanted to not be that person. Instead he wanted to be the person who guided someone, helped them find themselves, watched them as they grew beyond him, found the life they wanted. He wanted to be there when he was needed, and to let them go when it was time.

Axel had coaxed it the words out of him and by the time Roxas had finished he'd looked thoughtful. "Did you want us to make this kid ourselves? Cause, uh, I can't really say we're exactly, um, capable? We could do adoption, though."

It stung like a slap at the time. Roxas had wanted to make at least a few of his own kids. From my body, but not owned by it. Never, ever having to give themselves up for me, to make me whole. At the same time adoption sounded nice. It wasn't averse to the idea of giving someone who needed a home one. I know what it's like when you've got nowhere to go after all. When I left the Organization...well, I didn't last very long.

"I...I want both, but if I make a kid I only want it to be with you. I...uh..."

Roxas snorted, laughed at how leaden his tongue had been. Axel had behaved though, shown a great measure of maturity. When they were younger Roxas wouldn't have been able to imagine Axel as a dad, ever, but while he could still a reckless flaming pinwheel at times, he'd grown. They all had.

Another memory. Two years ago now, the two of them side-by-side in Merlin's House. The trip to Radiant Garden had been all fun and games and Sora loudly wondering if he should start shopping for baby supplies.

"Make sure you tell me how this baby magic works, alright?" He'd said, and Roxas had learned much later that he and Riku had had a very embarrassing conversation when Sora'd got home.

But it had only been him and Axel with Merlin at the time, watching as the wizard fussed with his bag. "Such an old magic, haven't used it in centuries," he'd muttered when he pulled out an ancient book, blown the dust off its covers.

Axel and Roxas had exchanged a glance. Later, Axel had laughed and said he'd never known a look to better convey, Don't judge me for trusting this old coot, cause it's still better than talking to Yen Sid about babies.

But then, they'd just felt awkward. They were mature enough about it that they only giggled once, at a conjured image of Leon decked out in a maternity gown and baby bump. It had been a necessary part of the explanations, but when Leon had popped by later for tea they hadn't quite been able to look him in the eye—not without snickering anyway.

Still, mature. Roxas remembered them being exceptionally well-behaved—sans the Leon thing—as they discussed bodily transformations and temporary magicks and all the things different about a magic-aided pregnancy, as opposed to a traditional one.

"Not fucking much," Axel had complained later. "You transform, get your puss pounded and then nine months later when the baby pops out you go back to normal and—everything else is the same! Even the morning sickness!"

"But it is different, isn't it?"

"How? I mean like aside from the fact you get to have a cock and tits until the kid's weened and that goes back to normal too."

"Well...either one of us can get the other pregnant. Most couples doing this don't get to choose, and the handful of couples that can both get pregnant don't get to, er, use their bits. I mean some people mightn't want to use their bits but for us...sex is kind of the fun part, right? And we still get to decide which one of us gets, uh, pregnant. Isn't that neat?"

Roxas would never forget the look on Axel's face when he realized that was a discussion they had to have.

He supposed Axel's revenge was the look on Roxas's face when he'd told him he wanted to be the one to carry their kid.

"I just...er...I've made you put up with a lot over the years and I kinda...is it weird I kinda like the idea? I wanna...carry a bit of you with me, I guess. Plus, you know, nothing more unforgettable than someone like me with a baby bump..."

It wasn't much of a revenge, considering by the end of the conversation Axel had gone blazing red, but Roxas supposed it didn't matter. He wasn't even thinking of revenge at the time, too busy squeezing the life out of Axel, chest bursting with love for his boyfriend.

Probably crying my eyes out, he mused. There were definitely sniffles.

Roxas gently rubbed his hand over Axel's stomach, so round, so cute. His fingers were feather-light, couldn't let them be heavier. The last thing he wanted was to wake Axel while he touched him. It was so hard for him to get to sleep these days—not unusual seven months in, but still uncomfortable for both of them. Some nights Roxas didn't go to bed at all, when Axel'd already clocked out and he couldn't bear the idea of accidentally waking him.

But this sort of touch rarely got a reaction, and it indulged Roxas's desire to comfort his very pregnant boyfriend—and his baby. Our baby.

There'd been a lot of other things they'd talked about these past months. Roxas and Axel had both mourned the absence of Axel's cock, cast for nine months into some magical void. But the universe offered a little kindness for his valiant sacrifice, and as it turned out, Axel's vulgar statement about pounding puss had maybe been more a fantasy of his than either of them'd expected.

"It's...different from the ass? I mean I like both, and I definitely want my dick back, but...you know, we don't have to stop at just the baby-making stuff, if you're up for it."

Roxas had been very up for it.

There'd been other things. Less than a month into the pregnancy and Axel had made it very, very clear that if they were going to get pregnant again, it would definitely be Roxas's turn. "And ten bucks after that we'll be adopting," he muttered, before he was promptly threw up in the toilet.

There'd been serious conversations and scared conversations, and Roxas had held Axel, and Axel had held Roxas. Most of all, there'd been family planning and all that entailed. They had to have a plan for the future, and their kid had to factor into it at all times. Even the notion of potential kids beyond the first had to be accounted for.

"And if things go...wrong again?" Axel had wondered. "Like another War, another Organization, another Xehanort? I mean there's already been like fifty of them."

"There's people we can trust, and we're both Wielders of the Keyblade. We'll contact the others, make plans. They've already said they want to help out."

He'd panicked a little though. It was hard to imagine, living the life he had back then with a kid in tow. That night he'd curled up close to Axel and shuddered, a fear he hadn't known he could feel shaking him to his core.

The next day, he'd looked in the mirror, slapped his cheeks, and promised his reflection that anyone who fucked with his kid would get a beat down so bad it'd make his old battles with Saïx look like a bit of schoolyard roughhousing.

Though it's nice knowing I'll have Isa's massive biceps on my side this time if anyone tries to pull anything.

He sighed, snuggled closer to Axel, hand on still on his stomach. His first thought came back to him, all his memories and plans for the future circling like planets around that singular sun, that one question.

Who am I?

Because he wasn't the Roxas he'd been before all this, and yet he was. Nothing had changed, and everything had.

Hand rubbing in circles, eyes on Axel's stomach—on their baby—he asked, "Who am I?"

"Roxas," came the rather too-articulate-for-a-fetus reply.

Roxas groaned. "Shit, sorry Axel, I—"

Axel laughed. "I've been awake this whole time, babe. Couldn't sleep. This, though," he said, and put one hand over Roxas's, "this helps. Feels nice."

"Just want to enjoy you while you're cute and fat."

"Shut up. I told you if we do this again it's your puss getting pounded, and then you're getting all the embarrassing things you've said thrown back at you ten times worse."

"Oh no, my boyfriend who calls me gross pet names in public is going to call me 'cute and fat', whatever will I do?"

"Shut up," Axel laughed, then winced. "Ah fuck. This kid's a fucking brick." He slid the hand atop Roxas's back and forth, rubbing his stomach idly. "Must take after you, I'm not packing that much fat in my ass."

"Oi!"

"You know it's true. Your ass is fat, cute and mine the minute I get my dick back."

"You know we're going to be taking care of a baby right?"

"My dick will find a way."

"I'll make sure to lube up in my spare moments then. Gotta be prepared, y'know?"

"Nice," Axel grinned at the ceiling.

"I expect we'll only get about five thrusts in before you've got to let the kid hang off your tit though. And no, we're not engaging in buggery while you're breastfeeding."

"I wasn't gonna suggest it!" Axel exclaimed, scandalized. Roxas just laughed, nuzzled up close. "Yeesh."

They let the conversation go for a bit, Axel apparently distracted by their hands on his stomach. He shifted and Roxas got the message, slid his hand under the cover and then under Axel's shirt, touching skin-to-skin.

He was so warm, so smooth. Roxas grinned, glanced up to see Axel biting back giggles.

"Do I look silly?" Roxas asked.

"Yeah but like, so do I. I'm a tall skinny man with a baby belly."

"Cute," Roxas hummed.

"Well we're the only one's who've gotta think that so I guess it works out."

"Hmm," Roxas found himself lulled by the motions of his hand, fingers over belly, round and round.

But the peace wasn't to be. "So..." Axel said. "What did you mean earlier?"

"Earlier?"

"When you asked who you were?"

"Oh," Roxas blushed. "I was...I was talking to myself...and the baby I guess?"

"Oh."

"Yeah, it's weird."

"No it isn't. Well a little, but only because the answer's obvious."

"Huh?"

"You're Dad."

Roxas blinked. Axel quirked a brow.

"I mean, that's what you are Roxas. Dad. I mean I'm Dad too but we'll figure out the specifics of what we're getting called later when the kid gets a say but—that's what we are. What you are, to our kid."

It was a strange moment, when something you couldn't see was right in front of you, so obvious, making perfect sense while you ran in circles. It wasn't like Roxas had never thought of himself as a 'Dad' but...maybe he hadn't fully come to terms yet, with this new piece of his identity.

Another piece he'd chosen.

"I'm...Dad."

"You're Dad," Axel laughed. "Was it bothering you?"

"A...bit. Not being a dad just..."

"Figuring out where it fits?"

"Yeah."

"Well," Axel huffed. "I can tell you where it fits for me," and he smacked his hand against his stomach. "Right up in here apparently, and it's all thanks to where your dick fit in—"

"Stop, stop, stop!" Roxas gasped, cackling madly. "Alright, alright, I get it."

And he did. Most things didn't really need words to define them, and Roxas resisted then, but sometimes a word helped, and it made sense to let those ones in.

Dad.

The person he was in his memories had chosen to be that. The person who'd made that choice existed now, here, and would exist into the future. His future. Their future—all three of them.

The chaos in his head quieted, heart settled. His hand remained on Axel's stomach, felt right there pressed up against two of the most important people to him. Beside him Axel relaxed, all snuggled up again. When he was fully settled, Roxas laid his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes.

"Night Axel."

"Night 'Dad'."

"Yeah," Roxas smiled. "That's me."